TRUE COLORS

Opening day Nov 2, 2005:

We have many different colors in us, each reflecting a different aspect of ourselves. Today I begin the journey of learning more about myself through the exploration of my own TRUE COLORS.

I have many shells

Each seashell I discover on the beach

fills me with imagination and fantasy

of the hidden pleasures

the world can not see as

it makes its journey to the shore.

My art tonight...

*1 wooden spoonful of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream (swear sugar free dryers is awesome)
*a shy pour of chilled grey goose vodka
*nice splashes of chocolate liquor
*enough spiced 'navy' rum for taste

serve with spoon

-enjoying the last sip of my desert and im tipsy! how SWEET*-

from a poet I meet in VONS parking lot

Neruda told me

women

were to be tasted

like music

each note, each

touch, each

taste,

slowly -

so that you may savor each

within the moment

and in the memory

of those moments

which linger

long

in our hearts

* sam hamod *

This bag is FINE...

...and it is mine, all MINE.
www.janafeifer.com

i HEART baja

my soul stimulation

the color blue stretches beyond ones imagination

the stirring of the creature's underneath brings life to liquid dreams

the intensity of its rhythm inspires the soul to dance inside you

this visual beauty turns ocean memories into unforgettable stimulation

happy heart *

letting all sense of self go
when his love
begins to flow
the warmth of his words sensually spill
embracing my heart and soul
a feeling to which there is no fill

poem

To see my future and grab it
Holding on so tightly I become it

but

life is created
not found

Bitting Dreams

Watching him sleep is like watching him think.
Head in the pillow with an arm bent in the air as he bites his nails.
Deep in thoughts...
Bitting Dreams.

Liquid Freedom

Off each wave I inhale the mist of enticement and paddle in for another ride.

In the ocean I find the liquid freedom to release my deepest thoughts and feelings. It is where my essence feels most poetic and discovers everything in life is worth living through.

*

*

I have never felt so close to anything,

I have never known something

capable of inspiring in me

such passion and intensity.

*

*

The Coast. Where sky, sand and water blend into each other and there is no loneliness, hopelessness, despair.

Speaking Heart

Heart ache is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost.

ISLAND HONI

My soul soars in the company of Hawaii.

My return to the islands four years after my local family found each other in Wakiki has left me with a feeling of HARMONY. Hawaiian air, people, history and most of all the water renew my tropical passions. I am reminded they will forever exist, forever grow no matter how much life I live.

I swim therefore I am.

I stood in the reef and swayed with the tides as I watched my underwater friends amuse themselves while playing around my feet. The intensity of the beauty around and within caused waves of strength to splash my spirit. There is power in knowing you believe in yourself because you wouldn’t change your journey. My soul admires me for teaching it how to swim through life in colorful, cool movement.

Learning to heal with remembering, not regretting.

Saying goodbye to the islands will always fill me with sweet sadness. The rawest forms of heart break and heart beat rest only on their sandy beaches, bathes only in their ocean oasis.

My heart understands it is time to love with clarity.

I chose to walk away from love and the Hawaiian islands, fortunately the purity of the islands have not walked away from my soul.

soaking in Siddartha

"I hoarded money, I squandered money. I acquired a taste for rich food, I learned to stimulate my senses. I had to spend many years like that in order to lose my intelligence, to lose the power to think, to forget the unity of things. Is it not true, that slowly and through many deviations I changed from a man into a child? From a thinker into an ordinary person? And yet this path has been good and the bird in my breast has not died. But what a path it has been! I have had to experience so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. But it was right that it should be so; in my eyes and heart acclaim it. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace - to hear Om again - to sleep deeply again and to awaken refreshed again. I had to become a fool again in order to find Atman in myself. I had to sin in order to live again. Where will my path lead me? The path is stupid, it goes in spirals, perhaps in circles, but whichever way it goes, I will follow it."

honk my horn

Spray your kisses and color my aura with happiness. Fairy pieces of me float down from their dancing heavens to meet you. - her body began whispering.

She laid there wondering why it was this way...her senses were very much alive. What was alive before now? A reaction with only words?...now body language was her first, English second. A darkness filled the room and the music began playing a mellow horn set. The flowers he gave her shot rays of vibrant color in the flicker of the candle light.
Focus!
She was blogging while her mind ran astray.

Happiness does that to a women.


Careful girl..............................................................

*asleep for days*

Waking to your hearts ache means accepting you had a part to play. Time 4 a swim.

I am colored blind when love splashes me with its waves. Blue and inside. I like shore breaks, shoots, the kind of ride that is deep in its volocity and unpredictablity. I becomed folded in my own visions of oasis. Electric. Memories rush through my senses like a unforgettable liquid smile.

Old and new splash a refreshing NOW!

kissing fish

As the sun sets into the tropical sea the soothing waters begin to turn a golden blue. The fish instigate their afternoon dance twirling through coral hoops. It is time to impress the one they soon will discover is waiting to kiss them.

COLOR SPRAYS FROM THE SEA IN THE AFTERNOON.
LOVE PLAYS BELOW THE VIBRANT SKY.

"How much for Weezie?"

Gary was drunk! Blinded by Chopin vodka or was it her gold top reflecting the lights of the city below that caused him to trip landing face to face with the strippers on the floor. The two ladies were in the mist of putting on a show for their onlookers, but Gary couldn't take his eyes of the girl hiding behind the plants outside. "How much for Weezie?" Before he even knew what he was doing he tapped the dancer, in a mid thrust, and pointed to the girl smoking a joint on the balcony. "For that poor thing $150".

Thank god they have a lot of alcohol and weed here. Marble floors, million dollar views and 2 high end strippers inserting things into themselves...How did I end up the only girl with this bachelor party? Experience of a lifetime, oh, and Gary was nice. No, I had not begun to hallucinate, thankfully ruling out the CAZADORES TEQUILA, the world I had stepped into that night was more like a behind the scenes documentary on "Harmless High Rollers". Right? After a slight hesitation in my thoughts I pulled one last hit off the joint and went inside for another drink.

"Weezie, Weezie, Weezie!" The chanting moved stealthily around my whole body. A wave of realization hit me as the naked women began their hunt, I the prey. I made eye contact with Gary who was staring at me with a look of hazey amazement. I could feel my spirit squirming with furor inside me like a little kid about to get their first shot. My internal voice screamed NOOOOOO and I quickly covered my eyes with my hands. "Come on sweetie we wont bite".
Wont bite, I sure hope not, but you will rub and touch and eweeee!!!!

slow motion silence filled the next 30 seconds.....

Danger had presented itself to me in the form of a pierced vagina...however, my superhero instincts transported me with lightning speed to a safe hide out...the bathroom. After a few conversations through the door I re-entered the party to find an array of passed out positions I never thought I would find men.

With stunningly fond farewells I departed from my "harmless high rollers" with sloppy hugs and shared memories.

Gary remembered he was engaged.

words about sea ghosts...Part 2

It is about 60 feet deep off these rocks and scarcely explored. Only those brave enough to let the ocean wonders naturally invade their spirit are granted entry here. Beauty, sadness and story immediately engulfed me as we let the waves take us under. Everything about our entire beings were intensly surrounded by the fortuitous visions of this underwater exhibit. Our love was begining to soak in the glowing warmth of the sea, its creatures and each other. On this occasion our secret seascape played the natural songs of the whales. My thoughts would wander as I imagined the enormous life that swam freely in the dark blue waters behind me. But, Bruce was my very own Titan introducing me to the blue lagoon adventures only we were to discover. I let the colorful flow of the current put me in a trance and lead me to an old fishing net living one within the coral. I was captivated by how the ropes gentel movement gave breath to the tides. Green with kelp life and deeply tangled in the reef by ages of storms this net was alive. I went to the surface for air. As I dove back down a beam of rainbow tinted light shot out from the biggest lobster I had ever seen. The multicolors bouncing around it like a tropical rain dance was mesmerizing. My essence blissfully escaped into the sea as I took friendly control of the creature into my hands. I was sharing a true intamcy with my water life as I felt all my sea loves sparkeling with erotic receptivity. A delightful sea of seduction.

Edge of...my real life story. Part 1

If a love is to be unforgettable magic needs to take place immediately, and continuously.

“Shoots, lets cruz the beach.” Me with nothing more than a bikini on and him with just a pair of board shorts we grabbed snorkels and jump into the car. This time we drove north to ‘Tipsy Pools’. A very sacred valley known to many as Kapu, meaning danger and keep out. As we rolled the car past the Island boys in their tree house we threw them the shaka sign and got out. Always barefoot, Bruce began crossing over the sea of loose stones with ease. He glided over the rocks as if he were walking on sand. Looking back at my shaky strides he said, “come on sweet baby, trust walk”. With love in his eyes and the hypnotizing waves misting my skin I let the fear go and followed. The dangerous pieces of earth under my feet became musical steps leading to our secret edge of oasis. The edge of where translucent waters and ancient land kiss and hug without end. An oasis of sacred stone pools filled with warm liquid, tiny sea creatures and stories of the past.
It is divine how nature takes guardianship of history and can radiate with its energy.

If I were a crayon

GREEN!

Valid*tears Day

Right now in Africa there are ten million children who have lost their parents to the AIDS epidemic. And the number is growing. This is enough reason for the world to sit down and weep. And enough reason for most of us to sit down and cry because our life is blessed. Today a lot of individuals will cry tears to God for help with love. Fewer will cry out in "thanks."

Experimental Success...

A passion to uncover what the human race and the globe has to offer my life is essential and courageous. This I know as TRUTH. Something awaits me internationally and yet I hold back from making a commitment to start that exploration and finding out what it is. I am battling between the guilt and the embarrassment I feel when I reflect on my intellectual and emotional progress.
I need to stop hiding in that fog.

Many accept the surface of my habitual daily life as a step toward my inevitable corporate and financially secure future. Hence the guilt.
I wake up every day with a cynical outlook on life. Hence the embarrassment.
I believe my brain has been functioning at expiring levels in my work environment and in my personal life lately. And because I continue existing at this decaying momentum I feel like I don’t deserve to pursue that intimate force globally calling me.

Why dose a big paycheck bring self-fulfillment and admiration?
Why is a personal mission of learning and sharing new cultures viewed as an experimental success and a unsuitable financial set back?
Is an academic University the only learning environment that will provide me with the experience, credentials and respect to achieve?
Should I feel guilty that I measure my success on what I have lived, seen and shared?
Is receiving a Masters in ordering at Starbucks considered being responsible?
Is learning how to dig a watering hole in East Africa only considered a cool story to share over a soy latte?

I know I am a little late in the 20 something game since I chose to disappear for a few years so I could live in paradise, in love, a little to young and failed.
MOST FAVORED TIME IN MY SELF DISCOVERY!
However, a few years later I own a beach condo in the raddest city in the country, which I consider a victorious investment, as do many, thanks to many. Alas, I feel that in all other facets of my life I have beached my personal development. It is time to get back into the tropical waters of life and start swimming through the colors of the world again so I can make that same victorious investment in myself.

Old Enough?

It has come to me that we are not really one age at all. We are all the ages we have ever been.

Litost

Milan Kundera writes a short story based on the meaning behind a Bohemian word Litost. I don't even know how to pronounce the word but the way he brings its meaning to life has my insides turning. I feel sick with humiliation, anger, amusement and embarrassment. Is everyone so freaking selfish that even when they surrender themselves to someone else's happiness it really is only their own feeling of gratification they are out for. So Litost in my words - probably stolen from the minds of others - is the embodiment of embarrassment. The feeling is to such a degree that the inadequacy one feels causes them to wrongly lash out or sink deeper into their inadequacy. All in order to regain self control. My example stems from my life - big shocker! I was loved real real hard once. I so badly tried to hurry up my love learning process inorder to catch up to the person who loved me so that I could love as deep. They had much more love life experiences than I and when they reminded me I needed to speed up I subconciously slowed down. I was convincing myself I would never have a chance to get there on my own and being a step behind kept me in control of ever loving entirely, miserably maybe, becuase that is what I was making him . Make any sense, well I decided to walk away to show him and stopped the process all together and then when I was ready he had disappeared, taking his love with him.
"Litost, therefore, is the characteristic of the age of inexperience. It is one of the ornaments of youth. Litost works like a two-stroke engine. Torment is followed by the desire for revenge. The goal of revenge is to make ones partner look as miserable as oneself."
No wonder he finally disappeared. It is not pleasant to be denied love for knowing how to love.

FOX in SOX

Hopeless romance can destroy people who are expecting great things to take place in their life. I am one of those people. I sit here right now wondering when I decided to insouciantly offer a hidden side of myself to him. It troubles me that I fell as hard as I did because it leaves me blaming my desperate need to feel that someone other than myself is real.
…From the start of our shared philosophies, adventures and intimacies I began to release my heart back out for only him to influence. From nowhere he happened to be the one to cruz down my secret path. But nothing my soul fancies comes easy for me and from his predicament came my emotional distress. I trust fate wrapped me up in his pureness of spirit...warm, intense, jovial and strong. Our souls made a brief and unique connection, one we both have never experienced. After a long private journey I was ready for destiny. I believed in the magic we created and impulsively I breathed him into my soul. But alas, the stinging wind of our reality has been blowing around me…

I have allowed my tangled thoughts of him to bare the weight of my past and my future causing me to involuntarily suffer.

So, self-evaluation and wisdom leaves me with the choice to no longer torture myself with wonder. Today I let a romantic connection go. I am blessed with the radiant insight that I desired something enough to free my inhibitions and fight for the passion it fueled inside me. He made my soul smile. From this point I will practice not mourning but celebrating my ability to embody and express romance, passion and adventure even when it is not reciprocated. There is a whole world waiting to share these virtues with me.

WORLDLY WISHES IN 2005 … it is time to find and live my future!

soul cries

When the soul shines its better than the sun. It could be a down pour outside but when the aching wont stop no sun can make things better.

flip

I want to meet a fish that talks so i can finally make sence of what swims around my head. I try and live life as i were gliding through tropical colors. Everyday holds so much color. Oh what it is like to run home from work to grab the boy in boardshorts waiting for you with spear in one hand and your snorkel in the other. barley a slipper on your feet your kickin them off only to jump into some pretty sweet body surf...a few waves later you begin your water life adventure. Everyday, so much color under there. No noise or words only the sweet music of the sea. The most tantilizing song can be heard when spearing, more like teasing the fish so they play hide and seek with you, while the other half of your being watches from the edge the whales breach near by you ...Everyday water and land contain your essence, your love *your life.

hey hey hey