Old Enough?

It has come to me that we are not really one age at all. We are all the ages we have ever been.

Litost

Milan Kundera writes a short story based on the meaning behind a Bohemian word Litost. I don't even know how to pronounce the word but the way he brings its meaning to life has my insides turning. I feel sick with humiliation, anger, amusement and embarrassment. Is everyone so freaking selfish that even when they surrender themselves to someone else's happiness it really is only their own feeling of gratification they are out for. So Litost in my words - probably stolen from the minds of others - is the embodiment of embarrassment. The feeling is to such a degree that the inadequacy one feels causes them to wrongly lash out or sink deeper into their inadequacy. All in order to regain self control. My example stems from my life - big shocker! I was loved real real hard once. I so badly tried to hurry up my love learning process inorder to catch up to the person who loved me so that I could love as deep. They had much more love life experiences than I and when they reminded me I needed to speed up I subconciously slowed down. I was convincing myself I would never have a chance to get there on my own and being a step behind kept me in control of ever loving entirely, miserably maybe, becuase that is what I was making him . Make any sense, well I decided to walk away to show him and stopped the process all together and then when I was ready he had disappeared, taking his love with him.
"Litost, therefore, is the characteristic of the age of inexperience. It is one of the ornaments of youth. Litost works like a two-stroke engine. Torment is followed by the desire for revenge. The goal of revenge is to make ones partner look as miserable as oneself."
No wonder he finally disappeared. It is not pleasant to be denied love for knowing how to love.

FOX in SOX

Hopeless romance can destroy people who are expecting great things to take place in their life. I am one of those people. I sit here right now wondering when I decided to insouciantly offer a hidden side of myself to him. It troubles me that I fell as hard as I did because it leaves me blaming my desperate need to feel that someone other than myself is real.
…From the start of our shared philosophies, adventures and intimacies I began to release my heart back out for only him to influence. From nowhere he happened to be the one to cruz down my secret path. But nothing my soul fancies comes easy for me and from his predicament came my emotional distress. I trust fate wrapped me up in his pureness of spirit...warm, intense, jovial and strong. Our souls made a brief and unique connection, one we both have never experienced. After a long private journey I was ready for destiny. I believed in the magic we created and impulsively I breathed him into my soul. But alas, the stinging wind of our reality has been blowing around me…

I have allowed my tangled thoughts of him to bare the weight of my past and my future causing me to involuntarily suffer.

So, self-evaluation and wisdom leaves me with the choice to no longer torture myself with wonder. Today I let a romantic connection go. I am blessed with the radiant insight that I desired something enough to free my inhibitions and fight for the passion it fueled inside me. He made my soul smile. From this point I will practice not mourning but celebrating my ability to embody and express romance, passion and adventure even when it is not reciprocated. There is a whole world waiting to share these virtues with me.

WORLDLY WISHES IN 2005 … it is time to find and live my future!

soul cries

When the soul shines its better than the sun. It could be a down pour outside but when the aching wont stop no sun can make things better.

flip

I want to meet a fish that talks so i can finally make sence of what swims around my head. I try and live life as i were gliding through tropical colors. Everyday holds so much color. Oh what it is like to run home from work to grab the boy in boardshorts waiting for you with spear in one hand and your snorkel in the other. barley a slipper on your feet your kickin them off only to jump into some pretty sweet body surf...a few waves later you begin your water life adventure. Everyday, so much color under there. No noise or words only the sweet music of the sea. The most tantilizing song can be heard when spearing, more like teasing the fish so they play hide and seek with you, while the other half of your being watches from the edge the whales breach near by you ...Everyday water and land contain your essence, your love *your life.

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